Individualism is Not a Sign of Self-Trust

We all know people who say, "I don't listen to anyone else; I can only trust myself." Maybe you're one of them. But individualism as a default mode more likely suggests a deficit of self-trust.

When we feel the need to shut others out--when it registers as a threat to our wellbeing to be open to or curious about others' perspectives--that often implies a lack of confidence in ourselves.

There's a big difference between individualism and individuation.

Individualism is a protective stance fueled by mistrust of ourselves (of our own capacity to stand firm) in the presence of others. It is a mental and emotional barrier we create for ourselves when we feel that we are at risk of being controlled or otherwise negatively impacted by others' views or needs. It often comes from past experiences of not being seen, heard, or prioritized, or even of being deeply hurt by others--experiences in which we truly weren't safe when we turned to others for information, protection, support, or guidance. Sometimes, later in life, we take this protective stance to such a degree that we won't allow ourselves to open our hearts and minds even wide enough to better understand another's viewpoint--because even that widening feels like a threat.

This shows up on all scales, from the personal to the political. Romantic partners can easily find themselves entrenched in this dynamic--when the relationship becomes a battleground where each person fights just to have their reality seen and acknowledged. The problem is that these partners aren't able to fully trust their own realities while simultaneously accepting the differing experiences of their partner. It somehow feels like validating the other's reality would cancel out their own.

Individuation, in contrast, is what we do when we learn to more clearly and confidently define who we are for ourselves, reexamining what our families and cultures might have told us about who we're supposed to be. This process can be painful but ultimately enhances our self-trust and allows us to show up with greater openness and connection to others as well. Because when we really know who we are, the differing viewpoints of others no longer feel like a threat.

There are many ways to work toward individuation. In therapy sessions, whether with couples or individuals, I often use a mix of somatic techniques (like grounding exercises and other mindfulness practices) along with Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotionally-Focused Therapy, and psychodynamic exploration, to help uncover and release beliefs my clients may have inherited and internalized throughout their lives, allowing them to step more confidently into who they really are. And when they do this, they not only feel more curiosity toward, and acceptance of, themselves; they're also able to extend this openness toward others, allowing for joy in connection--even when others' needs and opinions differ from their own.

If you find it challenging to connect fully with others while maintaining a clear and stable sense of self, reach out for a free consultation to talk about ways to explore individuation and increase self-trust, without falling into the isolating trap of individualism.