Internal Conflict Isn't Resolved by Decision-Making

Do you often feel bewildered, frustrated, or immobilized by internal conflict? Is it hard to figure out which part of you is the "real" you--or simply which part to listen to?

When we're feeling pulled in different directions inside our own hearts and minds, we have a tendency toward black-and-white thinking; we seek to assess and analyze our feelings, thoughts, and options to arrive at the "right" or "best" path and move ourselves forward.

Now, look. Of course we want to get ourselves unstuck from the mental mud and carry on with our precious lives. And sometimes there are undeniably "better" and "worse" plans, and zeroing in on the internal voice that feels most authentic might indeed lead us down an inarguably right(er) path.

But here's the problem: Often, we are grappling with voices and choices whose apparent conflict is actually a call for invitation and integration, rather than for decision (from the Latin, "to cut off"). If we see the commitment of decision-making as a process of cutting off and discarding the unchosen path or the unwanted part, we may free ourselves to move forward in the moment--but not from a place of sustainable balance and true inner harmony; parts of us remain unhealed, unintegrated into the whole. And these parts tend to find their way back to the surface, waiting just around the bend to stop us in our tracks again.

The issue, at its core, is that recurrent internal conflict often has roots in a deeply internalized belief which we simultaneously secretly fear and vehemently reject. We feel pinned down and pulled at the same time; agitated and immobilized; caught in the tension of our own polarized parts.

For example: Maybe as a little girl, you internalized the message that to speak up for yourself is selfish--that to prioritize your own needs makes you somehow inexplicably but absolutely "bad." Later in life, your adult self has grown into a strong, empowered woman who's learned to say, "Screw that! To prioritize and give voice to my own needs is an act of integrity!" But the little girl part still shakes in fear when you consider taking action in this direction--asking for a raise at work or communicating your needs to your partner. Part of you truly rejects the idea that it's "selfish," but part of you secretly, painfully, fears it's true. And this often leads to internal instability. Confusion, frustration, paralysis. "Acting out" (outbursts from built-up tension) or "acting in" (shame and self-criticism). No wonder!

Or: Maybe as a teenage boy, you were taunted by classmates for your appearance. You internalized the belief that you're undesirable, deficient, and defective. Your adult self has put in a lot of work over the years to build up self-acceptance and self-love, and it's paid off. But in critical moments--whenever you face the possibility of rejection--bam! This teenage part's self-consciousness rises up in waves of anger and anxiety, and it's like you're right back in high school, all these years of progress wiped out in an instant.

We can feel such frustration and overwhelm in these moments because we've worked so hard to grow in the opposite direction, in accordance with our genuine values. But these internalized beliefs--held by the most vulnerable parts of ourselves--don't just disappear, however successfully they may stay hidden the vast majority of the time. And hiding them, trying to suppress them, is precisely the problem. It's what leads to internal polarization.

Instead of pulling harder in the opposite direction, trying frantically to squash and silence these parts of ourselves we "thought we'd overcome by now," turn toward them.

Invite them to tell you what they really needed way back then; what might've helped them feel that they were okay--more than okay, even: that they were valuable, valued, and fully-accepted, just precisely as they were. They still need that. You still need that.

If you're struggling with internal conflict, self-doubt, or relational instability, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. I am honored to support my clients with IFS guidance and other approaches designed to promote integration, healing, and wholeness, helping you move forward with sustainable self-trust, building a life that feels deeply and undeniably "yours."